01/05/08 by Garvar at 11:21pm EST

I hate teenagers.

This is a very judgmental and crude statement, so I'll explain a little more on what I mean, and why I mean it. But before I begin, I'll attempt to disambiguate what I mean by "teenagers". I'm talking about your American-Pie-clich´┐Ż angsty, simple-minded, hollow-headed bandwagon-hopping preppy highschool students. Cellphones, exposed boxers/thongs (despite it being winter and minus degrees celcius...not that I can say that with any merit as I'm wearing shorts like I always do) wigger chains, the very embodiment of our future's damnation. With that picture in mind, I'll begin:

I've just gotten home after a wonderful night on the town of Burlington (where I've just moved for work) with a friend of mine from Guelph, since she lives natively in Burlington and therefore knows it well. The evening proved to be quite entertaining by its own merit, but I also got to see something my hometown lacks. Something that both pains and disgusts the eyes.

Clusters of teenagers. Droves and droves of messy-haired, preppy, chain-wearing, belt-notwearing, cellphone-toting, prophanity-slinging, prepubescent-screeching, acne-farming, GED-achieving teenagers. After a game of Glow-In-The-Dark miniput, Lo and I decided to drive around aimlessly, because she quite likes to...drive around aimlessly. I showed her where I work, she showed me a few historical places of varying importance to her life, places of general interest, and was on the way to showing me a house with particularly impressive christmas lights when it hit us.

A clusterfuck of about 20 or 30 teenagers, all moving in a single pack along the sidewalk. There was enough space for me to just shrug and ignore it, until they were followed by a couple more teenagers, followed by another space, and then another mass of flesh and garments. We turned the corner and it was like wandering into a bee-keeper's hive. Over one hundred teenagers trudging along the sidewalks with their tails between their legs.

Why? We quickly found out why. Even though it was only 10pm, the cops had already discovered and broken up a house party of epic proportions. I've seen a number of American Pie and other teen movies, but had never seen an actual party of that magnitude, but the one before me put Hollywood's to shame. There were easily more than 150 highschool students crawling along the sidewalks of this subdivision we found ourselves in, shouting at one another in both fear of mommy finding out what they'd been up to, and intoxication. Lo and I both started to laugh at how pitiful and shameful the sight was, and it took me an unpleasant amount of resistance to refrain from cracking some dirtbag skulls. How loud and inconsiderate would they have had to have been to have their party broken up by 10 pm? Was there even enough time to tap the keg? The whole lot of them looked like brain-dead bandwagon-following machines, and each face disgusted me at first sight. I'm glad I wasn't such a mindless waste of flesh and bone when I was highschool, but to be honest I wasn't much better. I wasn't a stain on society by any means, but I'm pretty sure if I ever met my teenager self, I'd kick my ass. And I'd be thankful for it.

So after the cops broke up this party, this some-odd-hundred-large social infestation dispersed, looking for a way to kill time before phoning mommy for a ride home. If you weren't an arrogant, inconsiderate, intellectual stain, you wouldn't be in this situation, but now the cops are going to tell your parents what you were up to and you're not going to be allowed to go to that Linkin Park concert you were looking forward to. You'll think your parents are the worst parents ever for being so horrible and unfair to you, your angst and emo levels will skyrocket, and gawd-awful mainstream media profits will increase proportionately and we'll have even more Shit Radio. Thanks a ton.

So Lo and I continued to drive around, seeing a few more sights (one street south of where I live is lined with giant, nice-looking houses). We passed a Tim Hortons along the way. It wasn't a pretty sight - like a rotting carcass festering with maggots. We continued on our way, started talking about doughnuts, and before long Lo wanted to go to Tim Hortons. I thought I could go for a Hot Chocolate, so in the name of lulz we decided to brave the elements of the most disappointing age group known to man.

Those poor, poor minimum-wage employees. I really did feel kind of bad for the girl working there. For starters, the moment we got out of the car, all we could smell was cigarette smoke from the teeny-boppers. In case this sounds normal, we were in the parking lot. Outside. In what we would expect to be fresh air. The nearest teenager was a good 30 feet away, but the entire plaza smelled like cigarettes thanks to them.

Inside the Tim Hortons wasn't any better. The smell was a lot less unpleasant, but the commotion was more than enough to accomodate for that. Nearly every seat and every table was occupied by mildly intoxicated teenagers, hollering to one another like a pack of banshees in order to be heard over the rest of their banshee-hollering peers. I saw two elderly gentlemen looking around with confused, fearful looks on their faces like Armageddon was suddenly upon us. Before the party it was likely they were just having a quiet chat, reminiscing with one another about fond times.

Needless to say, it was extremely loud and frantic in there. The line was backed well to the door, but if that wasn't enough, the intoxication of the patrons added to the chaos. When I was about to order my drink an overtly drunk 15-or-so-year old leaned forward onto the glass by the clerk and said something, but I hadn't the scholars to translate it for me. She held up her brown paper bag which held a doughnut, said something else, and the bag slipped from her hands. In a foolish haze she stumbled around and attempted to procure her order. Being given the opportunity, the clerk turned to me a second time in order to conduct some more coherent and less stressful business. I was rather tempted to hop the counter and take over for her. If I were in her shoes I would likely have told everyone below the age of 18 and above a BAC of 0 to fuck off.

And yet, Lauren and I couldn't help but laugh the whole time.

The Tim Hortons wasn't the only establishment being zerg rushed by hordes of annoyance, either, but from what we could tell it was hit the worst at the time we were there. Disappointing that these some-odd-hundred individuals couldn't be doing something more constructive - or at least less destructive - activities with their time. I understand that because this party was broken up, many firms were treated to a large boost in revenue, but I don't think turning the consumerism wheel is valid tradeoff for tolerating a scourge of indecent people. If anything, it would be promoting it.

All in all, though, it was an eventful and entertaining night. Disappointing when I think about all those GED students, but at the time, I had a good laugh. So, in closing:

Fuck all those empty-headed, shallow, trend-treading, arrogant, angsty, rude, vulgar, indecent douchebags.


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